Violence against women is perhaps the most shameful human rights violation, and it is perhaps the most pervasive. It knows no boundaries of geography, culture or wealth. As long as it continues, we cannot claim to be making real progress towards equality, development and peace.
– Kofi Annan, seventh secretary-general of the United Nations
In last week’s column, I mentioned we need to break the cycle of violence humans perpetrate on one another by starting at home, with women.
We say men are naturally violent and it stems from genetics. That men are aggressive, women are passive.
I beg to differ.
There are a lot of women whom I have met in my life who are way much more aggressive than most men. They just don’t get into silly fist fights and start world wars, or go around shooting people en mass. Women kill. Women hit. Women cheat. Women plan crimes. These women are however, exceptions to the rule. For women generally are nurturers, and prefer to build a home and make it safe and prefer to solve problems with words than with fists.
I have also met very many gentle souls in the form of men who would not hurt a fly, but would rise to the occasion to defend family and country with their lives if the need arises. There are men who hate violence and would stop another man who would use it on another and then there are men who use words, hugs and kisses to placate angry women too.
So, the question comes down to …what makes the violent men violent or men serial cheaters?
Suppressed emotions, not being able to talk about their fears and anxiety, the pressure of constantly being the sole person needing to provide for their family, and the entitlement that they can take it out on people that ‘belong’ to them. Add to that, the deep-seated trauma they carry from young days of having expectations they could never deliver and being made to feel guilty of failure and afraid of repercussions, needing validation to overcome the void, creates an internal monster they cannot fight when they are adults. They actually need help, and they need our support.
Women need to raise stronger men, who can keep a family together. As mothers we need to teach our sons not to repeat the cycle of violence or betrayal they see in their fathers.
In my community I have seen so many mothers-in-law and mothers justifying domestic violence by telling the daughter-in-law or daughter that “That’s how men are. A smart woman will find her way about it and keep her husband happy.” They justify the pain of betrayal by saying, “That’s how men are, you need to swallow your pride and let it be.”
No, a smart woman will respect herself too much to be a punching bag and find ways to raise her children away from the continuous barrage of toxicity that will not only hurt her deeply but also create long term trauma for the children.
She needs to help her husband understand that it is not OK, that he needs help. To make him see that it is not what he wants to be. Nobody wants to be abusive or bad. People continually strive to be better – they just need to be told what better is, and how to achieve better. There is always hope.
And if he does not or will not change, then the woman needs to find a safer place for her and for her children.
For her to do that, she needs to know she has the power within herself to break the cycle. She cannot allow her son to become part of the cycle of generational misinformation that stereotypes men and makes them repeat the violence and the weakness.
She needs her son to break the cycle, as much as she strives to break her cycle that her mother and grandmother succumbed to.
It’s the power of one woman, who affects a family. But it creates a tree of love that branches out, affirming and assuring a group of people who took shade from that tree. And these people branch out the love, assurance and affirmation they have learnt from that one woman into a multitude of trees and together we grow and oxygenate the Earth, raising the vibrations to the higher frequencies of love and compassion and not fear and violence.
When people change, what they subscribe to, also changes. A world where women lead the way into seeing violence as a byproduct that can be eliminated, will change movies we watch or reject, games we play or reject, behaviour we validate or reject.
We have the power of the Butterfly Effect – a single flutter of our wings can create a seismic change across the world.
And that is how world peace will begin with one and the hand that rocks the cradle.
The views expressed here are those of the columnist and do not necessarily represent the views of New Sarawak Tribune. Feedback can reach the writer at beatrice@ibrasiagroup.com
