KUCHING: In the face of adversity, some find themselves lost in the shadows, while others emerge, shining even brighter than ever.
For Nor Hananie Abdullah @ Sainie Binti Attau, her battle with cancer and overwhelming mental health challenges became a story of courage, resilience and hope that she feels compelled to share with the world.
Her memoir, ‘Perjuangan Tanpa Noktah: Aku, Anxiety dan Kanser Payudara’ (Endless Struggles: Me, Anxiety, and Breast Cancer) chronicles her deeply personal journey through these immense challenges.
“I thought my story needed to be shared to help others understand that even when faced with immense physical and mental suffering, there is a way to manage it and rise above it,” she said.
From Darkness to Light
In 2021, Nor Hananie’s life took an unexpected turn.
“Why did I write this book? Because, in 2021, I was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer, an aggressive type of cancer, meaning it grew rapidly.
“At the same time, I was also battling anxiety disorder, a mental health condition that left me in a very dark place.
“During that time, my life was extremely bleak. I couldn’t see any way forward. All I could think about was ending my life,” she said.
The combination of painful cancer treatments, including chemotherapy, and the overwhelming effects of anxiety disorder left her in a constant state of fear and helplessness.
“For those who have never experienced it, anxiety disorder is extremely painful as I couldn’t sleep for months. I couldn’t breathe properly and often felt like I was going to die.
“After nearly five months of battling anxiety disorder and undergoing painful cancer treatments like chemotherapy, the doctor prescribed me strong antidepressants because I had suicidal thoughts.
“My husband had to watch over me constantly because he didn’t want anything bad to happen to me,” she said.
A turning point came when she found solace in a verse from the Quran, reminding her that death is beyond human control.
“When I read it, I realised that our time of death is not in our hands. It is in God’s hands and cannot be hastened or delayed. That realisation helped me rise above my struggles.
“I began doing everything I could to overcome my depression. Slowly, I succeeded. I started travelling and doing other things while continuing my cancer treatment.
“By August 2022, I had completed my treatment. Afterward, I felt that my story wasn’t just about being a cancer fighter. It was also about battling both cancer and anxiety disorder simultaneously,” she said.
Recognising the critical role of knowledge in empowering cancer patients and their caregivers to face life’s daunting challenges, she sought to transform her personal journey into a beacon of hope and resilience.
“About eight months after completing my cancer treatment, I began considering writing this book. I started writing in September 2023 and finished it by February 18, 2024.
“The manuscript was submitted to a publisher, and shortly afterward, the book ‘Perjuangan Tanpa Noktah: Aku, Anxiety dan Kanser Payudara’ was published,” she said.
Released in April 2024, the book was met with positive reception, selling over 800 copies of the 1000 printed.
“In 2024, I participated in an international book exhibition. Even though my book was only two weeks old at the time, 44 copies were sold.
“Many of the buyers were individuals struggling with mental health issues, cancer patients, and even doctors and nurses. Some people bought the book to donate it to cancer patients,” she said.
A Turning Point in Her Struggle
It was during one of her darkest nights, when the medication she was prescribed for anxiety dulled her senses and fogged her memory, that she encountered a verse from the Quran.
“That night, while taking the highest dose of antidepressants,my mind was heavily affected. I couldn’t remember anything after one minute. Even performing ablution or reciting prayers became difficult.
“The medications disrupted my brain so much that I couldn’t recognise Arabic letters. Instead, I often read Quran translations.
“One night, I kept turning to the same page repeatedly, as if it was calling out to me. Out of more than 600 pages, that single page always appeared before me,” she said.
Nor Hananie began to reflect on this revelation, this understanding that death was not in her hands but in God’s.
“That was the moment I decided to rise and share my story although honestly, I am still taking antidepressants, but at a lower dose now,” she said.
While anxiety disorder, like any mental illness, cannot be entirely eliminated it can be effectively managed.
Nor Hananie emphasises that although she continues to experience anxiety, she has learned how to cope with it successfully.
“When anxiety begins to creep in, I immediately start deep breathing. I focus on one thing at a time. This helps me overcome the symptoms before they escalate.
“Anxiety doesn’t just disappear, it’s always there because it’s a condition of the brain.
“Managing symptoms is key for anyone dealing with anxiety. Once you learn how to manage them, you can live a normal life despite anxiety,” she said.
Her approach involves managing the symptoms through techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, meditation, exercise, and a balanced diet.
She avoids sugary foods, as sugar can trigger anxiety, and practices focusing on one task at a time to prevent overthinking, which often leads to anxiety.
“By training the mind to focus on one thing at a time, anxiety is less likely to occur.
“While external factors, like family issues or words from others, can still trigger anxiety, the key is always in managing the symptoms,” she said.
Decision to Write, Obstacles and Inspiration
For Nor Hananie, writing her book was not just a task but a therapeutic journey.
When asked how she found the time to write, she emphasised that anyone can write as everyone has a unique story to share.
“Actually, anyone can write. But, you need courage. You need a strong desire to write. Only then can you produce a book,” she said.
Driven by determination, she committed to writing a book to share her valuable experiences with others, believing it would not only provide knowledge that benefits others but also offer her solace and therapeutic relief through the act of writing and sharing.
“When I wrote, I cried the entire time. My tears flowed nonstop. Why? Because I had to recall and relive every moment.
“The old episodes I went through. But at the same time, after I wrote, I felt relieved that I slept soundly after.
“So, that was actually my therapy and yes, the book resembles a diary in some ways,” she said.
Nor Hananie faced challenges recalling what she read or wrote, a difficulty she attributed to the effects of her antidepressant medication.
“When we write a book, we must read other books. My main problem was that whatever I read would disappear from my memory.
“So, what I did was read and then summarise it. I recorded my voice. That way, it wouldn’t disappear. From the voice recording, I wrote it down,” she said.
Amid these challenges, she shared that her inspiration to write came from her husband’s encouraging words.
“Inspiration to write came from my husband, who said, ‘You’ve been tested with such a great trial. Why not use this trial as inspiration to encourage others?’.
“That’s why I wrote the book. It was my husband who was there for me 24/7. When I was sick, he was my only support as my children were all far away. Even while I was writing, he took care of me and cooked for me,” she said.
These words, spoken by the one person she met during her university days in Sabah, a Sarawakian student who became her unwavering support throughout her journey until now.
The one who fueled her determination to begin writing her first sentences on September 1, 2023.
An Unexpected Source of Healing
As Nor Hananie recounts her journey, it becomes clear that her transformation was not just physical and emotional but also spiritual.
Her childhood as the fourth child among six siblings, marked by emotional trauma which left a deep wound that she carried into adulthood.
“Actually, while dealing with cancer and anxiety disorder, my psychiatrist said something that truly shocked me.
“The psychiatrist said ‘Madam, you must forgive yourself and anyone who has hurt your heart and feelings’. That’s when I realised the importance of forgiving and letting go of the past.”
“I started to think, because I have childhood emotional trauma. I witnessed my mother being abused in her marriage, which became my nightmare until adulthood,” she said.
Born into a family of Dusun descent, Nor Hananie, who was raised as a Catholic by her single mother, revealed that the trauma remained a haunting nightmare throughout her upbringing.
A struggle she courageously detailed in her book.
According to her book, her spiritual transformation and transition began in 1980 during her fourth year of secondary school marking a defining moment in her life.
A Message of Strength and Hope
What makes ‘Perjuangan Tanpa Noktah :Aku, Anxiety dan Kanser Payudara’ truly extraordinary is not just the raw honesty with which Nor Hananie tells her story, but the lessons she imparts along the way.
In her book, she offers practical advice for both cancer patients and those dealing with mental health struggles.
She emphasises the importance of managing anxiety and maintaining hope, even when it feels like everything is falling apart.
“Anxiety is common. Everyone will experience anxiety at some point in their life. When we can’t manage it, that’s when it spirals into something debilitating.
“For example, I might forget to take my medication. So, I start saying, ‘Oh, I forgot to take my medication. My pain is coming back. How did the pain start? How will the doctor react? How will my husband react?’.
“That’s overthinking, a negative thought that keeps spiraling. This is what anxiety disorder looks like. When it happens, it disrupts our life and prevents us from living normally,” she said.
However, she explained that ordinary anxiety doesn’t require medication if a person can manage the symptoms and medication isn’t necessary.
“But when you experience anxiety disorder, it’s at the final stage. This means you have no choice.You need to take medication,” she said.
For Nor Hananie, learning how to manage her anxiety became the key to her survival.
But it wasn’t just about managing the anxiety. It was also about embracing life despite the looming shadow of cancer.
“In cancer, research has shown that 35 per cent of patients will develop anxiety disorder. So, I always tell my friends, with cancer, it’s something we can’t control. But we can control how we respond to it.
“When you are tested with cancer, accept it with an open heart, and then seek knowledge. Learn about cancer, about the disease, so that from that knowledge, you can manage it. For example, you learn how to eat, how to reduce the pain,” she said.
She said by taking proactive steps like deep breathing, gardening, staying positive, exercising, having picnics, and travelling when possible, she was able to avoid taking too much medication and keep herself calm.
