‘”No” and “Yes” are words quickly said, but they need a great amount of thought before you utter them.’ – Baltasar Gracian, 17th century Spanish priest.
Someone — I wish I remember who — said something that’s followed me quietly for years: “Saying ‘yes’ to others should never come at the cost of saying ‘no’ to who you are.”
It’s a profound insight into the delicate balance between generosity and self-preservation.
While the world often celebrates selflessness, it rarely acknowledges that you cannot pour from an empty cup.
Earlier this month, Julia — an old friend and chief economist at a local investment bank — reached out.
She was prepping for a session in the finance track at the 12th ASEAN Finance Ministers and Central Bank Governors’ Meeting (AFMGM) and needed a favour.
Nothing complicated.
I had the expertise.
Helping her wouldn’t have taken much.
But agreeing would’ve meant scrapping plans I’d made with my wife and kids for a long-awaited day in Sentosa Island.
As I stared at her email, that old tug of guilt crept in.
Instead of typing a quick yes, I took a deep breath and wrote,
“Jules, I wish I could but I’ve promised the weekend to my family. Cannot lah this time.”
To my surprise, the world didn’t end.
She replied with an understanding, “No worries! I’ll figure it out … Didn’t realise they’re in town. Send my love to Jillian and kids, okay?”
That simple no felt revolutionary – a reminder that setting boundaries isn’t an act of defiance but of self-respect.
How often do we say yes out of habit or obligation, or the belief that we’re being helpful?
Yet, each yes comes at a cost – our time, our energy, our mental well-being.
I’ve been guilty of this, stretching my schedule thin to accommodate others, only to find my focus scattered and my energy drained.
Because when you’re constantly saying yes, life becomes reactive.
You’re no longer steering the ship; you’re merely responding to the waves.
And then you realise that you are still where you are, not moving.
I don’t mean for us to shut people out or refuse to help from now on; it’s about recognising our limits and respecting them.
Saying no to what drains you creates space for what truly matters.
Yesterday, Julia shared a story about our mutual friend, Mark, who, like many of us, wrestled with difficult choices in pursuit of his “Personal Legend.”
Each fork in the road made him weigh desire against distraction.
Ambitious as ever, Mark used to say he wanted to reach where I am—before he turned 40.
However, what he doesn’t know is what it takes to arrive at this point.
I never told him.
Staying silent about the sacrifices doesn’t mean they weren’t real.
There was a moment when he nearly gave it all up, tempted by the comforts of a quieter life.
But refusing to settle, he recommitted to the ‘treasure’ he was chasing.
I admired that.
Mark, if you’re reading this — I still do. Don’t be mad at us anymore, okay?
My point is this; Boundaries are the guardrails that keep us aligned with our goals.
Every time you say no to something that doesn’t serve your purpose, you’re saying yes to your growth.
Of course, saying no can be deeply uncomfortable.
It’s natural to feel a twinge of guilt or worry that you might upset someone or come across as selfish.
After all, many of us have been conditioned to equate saying yes with being kind, accommodating and dependable.
But you see, setting boundaries doesn’t make you unkind, it makes you honest.
There’s a difference.
People who truly value you will understand and respect your decision, even if it’s not what they hoped to hear.
And those who don’t?
Their reaction says more about them than it does about you.
Remember, respecting your limits is a form of self-respect, and it invites others to respect you in return.
A few months ago, I quietly withdrew from consideration for a promotion.
I knew that if the offer came through, I wouldn’t be able to give it the focus it demanded — not without compromising time with my family.
At first, I felt terrible, imagining I’d let the team down by stepping back just when expectations were highest.
Not long after, CEO David asked to see me.
He didn’t mask his reaction—surprised, maybe even a little letdown.
The board and senior partners, he said, hadn’t taken the decision well, especially with this being the second time I turned down the post.
Still, while he had hoped I’d eventually say yes, he made it clear he respected the call.
Later that day, one of the legal team pulled me aside discreetly.
Said the firm would do what it could to help resolve my “legal situation” here — whatever that meant.
Their response was a revelation.
Saying no — when it’s the right no — is more powerful than saying yes half-heartedly.
Lately, I’ve stepped back from a few high-profile mandates — at least until next quarter.
I’ve delegated execution and now serve in an advisory capacity.
The ongoing trade war has exacted a toll — mentally, emotionally, and physically — on me and the team.
The data never stops.
Feeds, alerts, macros — lighting up across every Bloomberg terminal.
Models running hot.
Calls coming in faster than they can be cleared.
Recalibrations happen in real time.
The level of volatility, velocity and fear we’re dealing with is unlike anything I’ve seen.
Every millisecond is overloaded with shifting variables, constant recalculations and pressure that doesn’t let up.
You’re still processing one macro move, rebalancing positions before the next second hits.
In hindsight, I miscalculated the weight of it all.
I said yes too quickly.
I treated it like just another cycle.
Deployed top performers into the front lines without hesitation, confident we’d absorb the shock — like we always had.
And for a stretch, we held the edge.
Four straight months ahead of the curve.
One of the cleanest runs we’ve ever logged in the firm’s history.
But the cost came anyway.
We won the sprint.
Now we’re limping through the wreckage — cracked, depleted, and running on fumes.
This week, I challenge you to identify one thing to which you’ll firmly say no.
Maybe it’s an extra task at work that would exhaust you, a social invitation you’re not excited about, or even a seemingly small request that feels like a burden.
Saying no doesn’t mean closing yourself off; it means protecting your energy for the things that truly matter.
It’s an act of courage, self-awareness, and ultimately, love – not just for yourself but for those around you.
In learning to say no, you’re not rejecting the world; you’re choosing how you show up in it.
And in that choice lies your strength.
Yes, the answer can be no sometimes.
DISCLAIMER:
The views expressed here are those of the columnist and do not necessarily represent the views of Sarawak Tribune. The writer can be reached at med.akilis@gmail.com
