‘You don’t go around grieving all the time, but the grief is still there and always will be.’ Nigella Lawson, English food writer and television cook.
– Nigella Lawson
This Saturday will mark exactly two weeks since my grandfather passed away.
Within these two weeks, I have realised that there are no linear equations when it comes to grieving.
People often say that grieving defies the constraints of linear equations, as it is a journey of the heart, not a problem to be solved with mathematical precision.
When it comes to dealing with emotions, there are no fixed formulas or set steps to follow during times of grieving.
This is because grieving is a deeply personal experience, shaped by an infinite number of factors unique to each individual.
At its core, grieving is the natural response to loss—a process of coming to terms with the absence of someone or something dear to us.
Whether it be the passing of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or the loss of a cherished dream, grief manifests in various forms and intensities.
Unlike the tidy solutions offered by algebraic equations, grief is messy, nonlinear, and unpredictable.
One reason grieving defies linear equations is its complexity.
It encompasses a range of emotions — from profound sadness and despair to anger, guilt, and even moments of unexpected joy.
These emotions can be likened to a rollercoaster ride, sometimes overlapping, or contradicting one another, making it impossible to plot a straight line from mourning to healing.
Another reason why grieving cannot be reduced to linear equations is its inherent unpredictability.
Just as one cannot predict the exact trajectory of a falling leaf or the path of a meandering river, grieving follows its course, defying attempts to impose order or control.
What works for one person may not work for another, and what brings solace one day may intensify the pain the next.
Like a turbulent sea, grief is subject to the whims of tides and currents beyond our understanding.
Despite its nonlinear nature, grieving is not without its patterns or stages.
Psychologists have proposed various models of grief, such as the Kübler-Ross model’s five stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) or Worden’s tasks of mourning (accepting the reality of the loss, processing the pain of grief, adjusting to a world without the deceased, finding a connection with the deceased while moving on with life).
While these models can provide a framework for understanding grief, they should not be mistaken for rigid formulas or timelines.
Grieving is a highly individualised process, and people may move through its stages in different ways and at different paces.
Like a mosaic made up of countless individual pieces, grief is multifaceted, complex, and profoundly personal.
While we may seek comfort in understanding its patterns and stages, we must also embrace its unpredictability and nonlinear nature.
Every person’s experience of grief is unique, influenced by their relationship with the deceased, the circumstances of the loss, and their coping mechanisms.
Some may find solace in memories and shared experiences, while others might struggle with feelings of guilt or unresolved issues.
The intensity and duration of grief can vary widely; some people may begin to feel a sense of acceptance and peace within months, while others may continue to struggle with intense feelings of loss for years.
For my grandmother, losing my grandfather was like having a bright light switched off in her life.
She has become socially withdrawn, and most concerning is how she has lost her appetite.
Whenever we coax her to have meals together, she often declines, saying she is not hungry.
However, my aunt, who is my mother’s youngest sister, told us that my grandmother has a hard time grasping the fact that she will never share a meal with my grandfather again.
It breaks our hearts to see her like this, but we understand that it is part of the grieving process for her.
As for my journey through grief, it has been a rollercoaster of emotions.
Some days, I find myself reminiscing about the joyful times spent with my grandfather, feeling a warm sense of gratitude for having known him.
On other days, the reality of his absence hits me like a tidal wave, bringing with it a profound sense of sorrow and longing.
These fluctuations are a testament to the complex nature of grief, which cannot be neatly compartmentalised or predicted.
Grieving is not about “getting over” the loss but rather about finding a way to move forward with it.
It involves integrating the loss into one’s life, finding ways to remember and honour the deceased, and continuing to live in a meaningful and fulfilling way.
This process can take time, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
As I navigate my journey through grief, I have come to realise that it is a testament to the love and connection I shared with my grandfather.
While the pain of his absence is profound, it is also a reflection of the deep bond we had.
The views expressed here are those of the writer and do not necessarily represent the views of the New Sarawak Tribune.
